// Editor's note: this article may be unsuitable for children; all flames, stories, and other comments should be sent to Ian! ;-) //

Hello and welcome once again to my monthly column of disjointed rumours and half-truths.  I must admit that it’s been fairly quiet in London this month.  Although there have been a few tournaments, the only one I have attended was at London Bridge two weeks ago where I won with a Bajoran Parallax Arguers/Duranja deck.  Some people will never learn!  Apart from that, an attempt was made at an OTSD booster draft and James has become even more under the thumb but all in all it’s been a fairly quiet month.  On the upside though I have received a generous response to my appeal for stories and material from last month, so I will donate this month’s edition mainly to stories sent in by my loyal readers (although after only 2 episodes you can hardly be called that loyal).

First of all though I must mention a sad and historic event that has occurred this month.  The Warwick class of 97 has graduated.  For those who don’t know, the University of Warwick was the highest concentration of Star Trek CCG players probably anywhere in the world and ‘Team Warwick’ have taught many new players the game.  Although London can now claim to be the centre of ST: CCG in England, all Gema IV regional winners have at one time been Warwick students.  I remember fondly when I started at Warwick in 1996 when the only players were myself, Rik ‘perpetual student’ Thomas, the ambassador for the Midlands who now resides in Wales,  Mark Woodward, ambassador for the Northwest, another perpetual student, current location unknown (although probably a weird second hand sci-fi book shop somewhere) and Martin Allen, a player who has since become so famous that his deeds have become immortalised in a song (to the tune of Glory, Glory Alleluia).

The famous Martin Allen had 5 concepts in his deck.
A bonus point, Q-bypass with Rogue Borg, 3 Orbs and Leck
He tried to play them all at once, his chances he did wreck
He timed out every game.
Who the **** is Martin Allen
Etc.
 

From then, the player base grew and grew until Rik regularly ran tournaments that could have 15 people just from Warwick.  In 1999, many of the players graduated and this year most of the rest have leaving only Ed ‘lets go to the pub and nick something’ Downes to hold the fort.  If Ed can stage a revival then it will be great but regardless, Warwick will always be where it all began for so many of us.

Anyway this is all starting to sound a little bit sombre so I will move on to some funny stuff.  I have received a generous amount of responses for mistakes made at tournaments.  After an extensive study of these and using examples of my own, I have come up with a general thesis of tournament stupidity.  The following are the various diseases that you may be infected with at a tournament.
 
 

1. The Rookie Error
 

Symptoms: Your deck will revolve around a concept that isn’t remotely legal.

Cause: Not reading the FAQ/Current rulings or trying to make sense of the cumulative ruling.

Effect: Your opponent will likely as not point out your mistake in the first round.  You will spend the rest of the tournament mulling over your loss of rating points and the inevitability of losing all your remaining games 100-0.

Examples: I actually did this the other week playing with a cargo running alpha attack ship deck.  Fortunately my opponents didn’t notice and I came second in the tournament.  I have also played against opponents who rely on not seeding a docking site at their Nor so you can’t commandeer it.  The funniest one I’ve ever seen was 2 players who came all the way over from Belgium to play in the 1997 worlds qualifier only to find out that their interpretation of Q’s tent was entirely wrong and their decks were unplayable.
 
 

2. The Mentally Deviant Oversight (MDO)
 

Symptoms: You get your deck out to start the first round but suddenly realise that you  have forgot your missions/outpost/ships.

Cause:  Being in the pub the night before the tournament when you should be
  checking your deck or being christened with the name Matt Slade (although
  the two often go hand in hand).

Effect: If your opponent is sporting they might let you change your deck.  If not, you’re gonna lose and you’re gonna lose big.

Examples: More common than people might think.  Our editor, Mr Springer, pointed out that one of his players once forgot Ferenginar in his Tower of Commerce deck.  I turned up to the regional last year armed with a Dividian Door deck without an AU Door (fortunately I noticed before the start).  I remember Mark Woodward, just after the release of Q-Continuum, turning up with a Q’s tent full of goodies but none in his deck.  The true master of the MDO, Mr Matt ‘Noddy’ Slade has made many such blunders including forgetting his Establish Landing Protocols in his Hidden Fighter deck and putting in the wrong outpost for the affiliation he was playing.  How he consistently makes these mistakes we don’t know!
 
 

3.  The ‘Martin Allen’
 

Symptoms: You make an error either in deck construction or during play so blatantly stupid that not only do you lose the game but you become the laughing stock of your playing community for years to come.

Cause: Normally nothing other than sheer stupidity

Effect: As your ship under the influence of a self seeded Cytherians nears the end of the space line when your opponent has a Writ on the Table and you have already scored your own Tarellian Plague Ship you begin to cry in your beer.

Examples: To look for a catalogue of examples of this we must look no further than those committed by Martin himself.  My all time favourite was a few years back when he seeded Major Rakal (the only Tal Shiar in his deck) in a Cryosattelite under Quash Conspiracy and, in a remarkable double the following week put all his AU people in a Cryo under Fissure Research.  My own contribution to this field has been consistently failing to show Dividian Doors and flying my ship full of Romulans into a Borg ship and then stopping.
 

If anyone comes across any good examples of these mistakes (especially ‘Type 3’s’) I would love to know.  Remember to include the culprits name for maximum embarrassment.  Another piece of mail received this month that simply must go in is from a certain Steve Tobin.  If you remember from last month I enjoyed a lot of fun at Steve’s expense fondly remembering the time he dated a porn star who convinced him to give up Star Trek.  Well Steve in a fit of stupidity decided to send me the whole story hoping that this would give people a more balanced view.  I think it just makes him look even more stupid.  See what you think.  Nothing has been changed except for Steve’s appalling spelling and some unprintable bits have been deleted and my own comments added in brackets.
 

If you're going to tell part of the story why not tell the whole bloody thing.  I feel I need to have a little bit of a defense after what has been said.  So why not start at the beginning.  We all met the Masaka (explicit) down Pages one Saturday after a tournament when she introduced herself by showing us her (explicit) and inviting us all to (explicit). We saw her a couple of times after this when we all got to know her and at the time we thought she was all right.  Some time later James decided he needed an embarrassing picture of me for his web site you all put together to get me very pissed (Americans, read ‘drunk’ - Ed). This led to me getting VERY friendly with D and a night I would rather forget. Its worth mentioning that she wanted me to take her home but I refused.  I turned her down at least 3 times before she got her wicked way. After this Ringo called her to one side and said something, after this we started walking back home, me with Danielle holding on. Ringo phoned my home to tell my mum I was 'indisposed' and later passing the phone to D to have a word at which point I knocked the phone from her hands. Nearer the tube I was pinned to a wall by D and (explicit). Ringo offered to by me a hotel room for the night if he (explicit sentence that says a lot about Ringo - Ed).  I legged it past Big Ben doing my trousers up as I ran with a porn star chasing me all the way.  Several more nights passed when we would meet Danielle including one where she left some rather nasty marks on my neck.  After a bit of getting to know her we started dating and things where going well. I had less time for the game and what she was offering was far more tempting (matter of opinion - Ed). For some reason she started to dislike all of you (can’t imagine why but the feeling was mutual - Ed) and I was put in a difficult situation.  After a long weekend I was at the end of me tether after being told conflicting stories and upon returning home destroyed my cards.  After this I realised what a (explicit) she was and we ended it, none too nicely.  I was hundreds of pounds down and without any cards. I re-introduced myself back into the game by borrowing other's cards for decks and am trying to forget that D exists.
 

So there you have it.  Never let it be said that I don’t let my victims have their say.  My final piece of readers mail concerns a TD in Felixstowe who (so the story goes) disappeared with one of his female players during the 5th round.  Those who he has confided in have confirmed he was certainly not giving her some help with her deck or asking her to sign her padd from the previous round.  Just for an additional piece of information, this player was a member of the online female player promotion group ‘Matriarchal Society’.  So no conflict of interest there then ;-)  Love it guys, keep them coming in.

The next month should be far more hectic.  This coming weekend a tournament run by Tobes himself will take place.  It is a theme tournament where players have the ‘option’ of playing a totally stupid deck and trying to get it to work.  Mine is a deck where the only personnel in it are Ty Kajadas and Targs.  Never let it be said that I don’t give other players a chance.  Also we will have probably at least 2 other Saturday tournaments and Ringo and Colm will be attending the European championships so expect a full report from there.  A final plea, myself and Rik Thomas are looking for accommodation for Deciphercon.  If anyone could inform us where we might find a cheap room for a week or so then I will be your friend forever as the alternative is sleeping on the floor outside the hotel (which would totally ruin Rick’s hair).

Anyway, that’s all for this month, keep sending in the stories.

Ian
iptaylor@dialstart.net