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Ruling Britannia XX
by Ian Taylor Whatever happened to…..
By mystical new technology, if you read this when you are under 21,
you will be doomed to finish last in all your tournaments and develop a
strong liking for Cardassians.
Ruling Britannia XX
We are now emerging from what is universally known as the December lull in the gaming scene. Obviously this year was more of a lull than most because nobody was keeping everyone amused with ‘that foreign bloke got to work really well at D-Con so why have I just finished last?’ decks. Now it’s time to try to pick up where we left off, dust off the old decks and continue to struggle with my Ruling Britannia roman numerals which had seemed such a good idea until I got to about issue 14. Still, it gives me an incentive to keep going in the hope that one day I can get to issue 40 and will be able to publish the alcoholic sounding ‘Ruling Britannia Four X’. Someone tried to spoil my fun the other day by saying that 40 in roman numerals is actually XL but I am having none of it. So anyway don’t expect too much in the way of Trek tournament news in this issue. We did have a chase the can tournament at the start of the month that was won by Colm but it was poorly attended. Actually while we are on the subject, it has come to my notice that the Trek content of this column seems to have become less and less. While this is in part because it is much more fun to write (and read) about rumours, misadventure and other amusing stories concerning the Trek playing population, it is also true that the Trek scene in London is certainly not as virulent as it used to be. Hopefully this will only be a temporary thing but meanwhile I would like your opinions on what to do about this. I could either a) Try to squeeze as much Trek content out of the month as possible
knowing it would be a bit sparse but at least keeping on topic.
I would be interested to hear what you think and obviously other factors such as what Mr Editor thinks will play a major part. So anyway, when I left you last month we were just coming up to the Christmas period with all festivities associated thereof. Now there are a few equations that always seem to hold at this time of year. 3 National holidays + Annual paid leave to use up = Lots of time off
work
Therefore last month has seen a lot more nights out and house parties than the average month. These kicked off on the traditional Christmas Eve bar crawl, which generally starts around 16:00 when we all get let out of work and goes on until we get kicked out of the last pub. The venue for this year’s effort was Soho, which for those of you who don’t know is the part of London where all the sex shops and strip joints are. The usual rule of this bar crawl is that you are not allowed to walk past a bar without going in and having a pint. This was obeyed to the letter although one by one the participants dropped out until by the end the only participants left were me, Ringo and the Hip-Hop hamster that James and Tobes had got me for Christmas. The squeaky rendition of ‘Rappers Delight’ got more and more amusing as the night went on and was only surpassed by Ringo’s attempt at becoming an amateur DJ by playing with the sound equipment in a crowded pub. Despite our high hopes after last year we didn’t find any attractive policewomen wanting to take down our details although we did wear silly hats for the entire bar crawl. Christmas piss-up number two was a couple of days after Christmas when most of us had a day off work with nothing to do. Howard and myself started off at about 1 in the afternoon and were joined by people as and when they were able. After doing pretty much every pub along Holborn High Street the party split in two with some of us going to the Purple Turtle to have our last jugs of Orange Shit of the year while Ringo, James and Howard went back to Soho to buy some porn and in Ringo’s case some poppers which tend to react badly with alcohol but are for some reason still legal. Last thing I remember were DT doing his classic hunched shoulders dancing in the turtle trying to pull and getting a drunken text message from Ringo in the early hours of the morning, which made no sense whatsoever. Then of course came New Years Eve. This year it was a fairly quiet affair round my place. The weather got down to about –5 degrees yet we still managed to have a barbeque, followed by several beers, followed by porn. All of which were good although James managed to fleece us all on the ‘how long through the next scene will be the first anal penetration’ sweepstake game (around 5 minutes I think). Of course as tends to happen with these parties, things got more surreal as the night went on cumulating with a game of semi-naked, semi-kitted American Football in the street at 3:30 in the morning which amazingly drew no complaints from the neighbours. New Year's Eve was followed, astonishing by New Year's Eve II: The Next Generation. Well it kind of worked like this. James’ other half Angela was working on New Year’s Eve so James decided to have a party the following week. Unfortunately only Ringo and me were present to witness the most groundbreaking moment in modern drinking history. We managed to buy all the ingredients necessary to make Orange Shit! Finally the drink we had all spent so much money on in the Purple Turtle had come home. Now you are probably thinking ‘I bet it wasn’t the same once you tried it outside the Turtle’. Well guess what, it was! Of course anything that happened after this would be an anticlimax but it’s worth mentioning all the same that Angela caused a slight misunderstanding among the guests by sticking her head round the door and saying ‘James, what sex games shall we play?’ and we had good fun making anonymous phone calls to someone. Now I’ll have to be careful about this because they or someone they know may be reading this but the text war started when we were going to call someone but didn’t want to if they were not on Orange Mobile network as it would be too expensive. The SMS conversation went something like this. ‘Are you on Orange’
At that point James’ phone rang. After a brief exchange of no information whatsoever, our foe hung up. Thinking this had gone a bit far we moved on to another form of entertainment (alcohol) but our inquisitive adversary sent several more messages none of which were replied to. This has been going on right up until the last week, most of which have been along the lines of ‘Hey, you never did tell me who you were, who are you’ Well, if you are reading this column right now you have just found out. Otherwise, you may never know… One more thing before we move on to the main topic of this article and that is last month’s competition results. If you remember, the object of the competition was to name as many Trek Cards as possible (excluding Treaties) that contain all the letters of the word ‘Yortle’. Apart from the 3 examples I gave last month, I only had 2 entries. There were ‘Colony Preparations’ (good answer) and ‘Starfleet Type II Phasor Rifle’ which would have been a great answer had I not spotted that they had spelt phaser wrong and as a result they have no ‘o’. So anyway, on to the main feature. I have been thinking a lot
this month about the future of Trek and as a result, the past. This
has made me realise that in the last 7 years a whole lot of things have
come and gone in the Trek world as have a whole lot of people. The
purpose of this piece is in the hope that maybe someone will email me and
give me some news as to what has happened to these sometime loved, sometimes
loathed pieces of the trek world. As usual I am contactable on iptaylor@dialstart.net
Whatever Happened to Marcus Certa? This is probably the most famous what happened to story ever in the
Trek world and has been touched upon more than once in this very article.
Basically, Marcus was the ‘The Emissary’ the #1 daddy of the Trek world
given the decidedly uncoolness of Kathy McCracken. Then one day in
1999 (I think), all of a sudden it was announced that he had left the company.
A reason was not given but the conspiracy theorists went wild including
stories of fraud, pornography and such. Someone emailed me out of
the blue a number of months ago and claimed that he still went to tournaments
sometimes! This has never been 100% verified but I would love to
hear from anyone who knows for sure.
Whatever Happened to Carol Wisely? As Marcus Certa’s partner in crime, the fact that she ‘left the company’
at the same time only fuelled the rumours ever more. Her curious
crossbreed English/American accent and her genuinely amiable personality
have made her sorely missed. It is a fairly substantiated rumour
that she and Marcus were involved and the 2 leaving were almost certainly
linked. If Carol or anyone who still knows her are out there, please
send me a mail.
Whatever Happened to Alidar Jarok? Another well-known figure on the trek scene to disappear in mysterious
circumstances but this time a player not a member of staff. Last
I heard, he had been kicked off of the ambassador’s programme in very strange
circumstances. Alidar, if you are reading (and I know you used to)
send me a mail.
Whatever Happened to Deciphercon 2001? Another conspiracy theorists favourite. Rumours have flown about
Decipher uncovering a plot for a syndicate of players to dishonestly win
all 4 games and walk off with all the prize money or (more believably)
they decided that not enough people would turn up to the event to cover
their costs. It may simply have been that they were telling the truth
about safety concerns after September 11th but of course, that wouldn’t
be a very good conspiracy theory now would it?
Whatever Happened to Bill Chien? The 1998 world champion was last reported to have had his house flooded
and all his cards destroyed. Has anyone heard what the amiable oriental
is doing these days?
Whatever Happened to Benamin Janes? Ben Janes, who by some typo at Decipher had the ‘j’ missed out on his
name on his ambassador's business cards disappeared without trace around
1998. In his time, he was the best player on the London Trek scene
and contrary to popular belief invented the Loca-R’Mor deck. No Helge
it was not you. Last time I saw him at a tournament he claimed he
was ‘taking the game less seriously’. We would all love to hear from
Ben or anyone who knows him.
Whatever Happened to Rob Lange? Benamin’s sidekick who stayed around a bit longer, last reliable sighting
was at the regional 1999. What’s up Rob, where have you gone?
Whatever Happened to Bajorans? I remember at one time they were a powerful Trek affiliation.
Has anyone seen or heard from them in the last year?
Whatever Happened to James Hargreaves? Possibly the dullest player ever to play the game. He had a tendency
to talk about nothing except cards for the entire time, therefore I find
it hard to believe he has given up the game. Could anyone confirm
or deny this rumour?
Whatever Happened to Stephanie Schultz? Statistically the best woman ever to play Star Trek finishing 6th (I
think) at the world championships in 1997. However, I haven’t heard
anything about her since. Anyone got any info or gossip on this one?
Whatever Happened to Wesley Crusher? Not the Trek character but the German player, real name Helge Blohmer
(or something like that). Liked by some, disliked by many, possibly
the most bitched about player in the Decipher ranks until me and DT came
along. Last time I saw him was at Deciphercon 2000 where he claimed
he was ‘really into Babylon 5’. This may prove that he has lost his
final marble.
Whatever Happened to Thomas Becker? Another German player, finished 3rd in the worlds of 1998 and I haven’t
seen or heard of him since. Any clues?
Whatever Happened to Deciphers Ultra-Rare promise? After the unpopularity of the Future Enterprise in AU, Decipher announced
that they would release no more ultra rares that would not appear in later
sets. They will of course deny this now but it’s true, I’ll post
evidence if I can find it.
Whatever Happened to Matriarchal Society? Underground movement (well not really but that sounds good) designed
to promote women Star Trek players. A worthy cause and probably an
influence on Major Rakal’s announcement towards the end of last year that
‘she was really glad that ambassador of the year was a woman’ (Kate DeStephen).
Unfortunately my equally worthy reply of ‘I’m really glad the world champion
was a man’ never got published in a Decipher announcement. Strange
that.
Whatever Happened to Pages Bar? Overnight the Trek theme bar went from being the best bar in London
to one of the worst. Have no idea why but James made his feelings
known to the landlord ‘Bent Bob’ at a Buffy convention last year.
Whatever Happened to Danielle? On a basis one report a good shag although we haven’t heard from her
much since she ran off with all Tobes’ money in about May 2000. Slightly
different this appeal. We would really like to see one of her films
if anyone has ever come across one, even though she was ugly.
Please, please, please if anyone has any information as to any of the above then email me and I will print any responses next month. Although it may be that these once famous people and things are lost forever in the depths of history…. Of course as usual we will finish on a song, this being one of James’
who is becoming an increasingly frequent author of ‘Song of the Month’.
Name: Waste Time
Hirogen' Rogen' Rogen'
Beam em' up,
Keep Drawin', rawin', rawin'
As usual, send any material you have to the below address. Ian Taylor
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