The Pendari Champion is a fictional character, and even if he were real, isn't a very nice fellow... I mean he beat the living S****  out of Seven of Nine, but I suppose that means he has at least set his hands on female flesh, which puts him one step up on most STCCG players.

WNOHGB, Decipher, the Author and Paramount can not be held responsible for the fact that you are taking advice from a fictional character like The Pendari Champion. I mean, I like detective fiction, you don't see me asking "What would Lord Peter Whimsy do?"...

Seriously, Read the column, if the advice seems good to you, feel free to take it... it's not like I'm forcing you to follow anything I say!

       Dear Pendari Champion,
       I took your advice and went "outside."  It was very bright there.  I walked around and saw other beings like me.  They talked some wierd audio language.  I couldn't see what they were saying.  I tried saying <faq> to familiarize myself with the environment.
       Eventually I was able to adapt to the surroundings.  I soon became hungry and without my usual bowl of doritos nearby I "walked" to a place called "McDonalds" I remember seeing on TV.  I had a breakfast burrito, and you're right, they are good.  So I just wanted to thank you for showing me the way "outside."  In this letter I've enclosed a breakfast burrito, though I kinda smushed it fitting it into the mail slot.  And if Holodeck Adventures doesn't come out next, I'll kill you, sucker.
       -Brak

       Dear Brak,
       I am glad to hear that my advice was of some use. Now, the next step is something called "Hygiene." Many of the trogloditic Card Gamers seem to have missed out on this. It involves the spreading of a substance called "Soap" over one's body, and then rinsing it off using "Water." Oh, and by the way, Holodeck Adventures is out.

       Dear Pendari Champion,
       I have a wonderful new boyfriend. He's fun to hang out with, I enjoy playing Star Trek with him, but lately I've found he is often preoccupied. I don't call him anymore - I send him an instant message. He seems to spend all of his time online.
       You see, my boyfriend administrates a website for our fellow Trek players. When all I want is to play a friendly game, he's busy writing new scripts. And when he's not working on scripts, he is updating the player ratings or various contests and tournaments that he runs.
       When all I want to do is cuddle up in front of an episode of Enterprise, he ends up conferencing with his admin buddies about "disciplinary action".
       To top it all off, when I try to take an interest in his work, my ideas are overshadowed by those of another woman. He is constantly bombarded by her continual demands for his attention. While I know his heart is mine, it's obvious his time is hers.
       So, to regain his attention, should I have this other woman killed Mafia or Yakuza-style?
       signed,
       I'll Win Him Back If It Kills Her

       Dear I'll Win Him Back If It Kills Her,
       I'm a fan of Yakuza style killings, though cement overshoes have their nostalgia value. Honestly, I would ask your significant other to turn off the computer for a week, just to see if he can do it. There is a recognized disorder of internet addiciton--if your boyfriend can't get offline for a week he might want to seek an addictions counselor. He will need support during a trying time--I would suggest being there for him.

       Dear Pendari Champion,
       Why can't Trek players get laid?
       signed,
       I Wanna Be A Female's Love Interest

       Dear Wanna Be,
       Perhaps because they concentrate so much on "getting laid" instead of forming relationships. Perhaps because so many players treat women as objects instead of people. Perhaps because so many of them haven't discovered "Speed Stick" or "Showers" My advice: forget about getting laid, treat people with respect and concentrate on having friends. Friendship is far more important than sex, and sex is more likely when you aren't desperately seeking it.

       Dear Pendari Champion,
       I think Decipher hates me, what should I do to win them back? I want to be a playtester, and ambassador or a gamedesigner, but no one seems to answer my phonecalls, faxes, e-mails or the door (when I drop by their offices.)
       Signed, Self-Proclaimed Champ

       Dear Self-Proclamed,
       Well, Decipher might hate you. I think it would be a logical response to someone who harasses them. Dropping by their offices? Watch out or they might have to get a restraining order. keep enjoying the game, but keep it cool, if you are on good behavior for a decade they might forgive you and let you be an ambassador, but don't hold your breath.

       Dear tPC,
       My BF is OTL! He's always STCCGing and never WTSSQT. Should I PTDAG? Or should I JFAI? I'm really jonesing
for some QTWH... but he is playing STCCG 24/7. WSID?
       TC in NY.

       Dear TC,
       It sounds like you need T-to-the-fourth-power-H. Maybe he JDRWIU. Otherwise DTB.
       The Pendari Champion
olav_rokne@yahoo.com