Warning, you are now entering an over 21’s zone.  All unauthorised personnel will have their hard disks formatted by the power of my mind.
 

I got a Vic!  Despite not buying a single pack of Holodeck Adventures as yet, I managed to swap for a Vic Fontaine, by far the most talked about card in the set.  Ironically, I actually swapped it for a Lord of the Rings rare with Joeri.  My entire Holodeck Adventures collection now consists of:

Orbital Bombardment x 1
Duchamps x 1
Vic Fontaine x 1

I have no way of getting Vic out quickly except by Q’s Tenting for him so I don’t think I will be building a deck around him anytime soon but still, I’ve got a Vic!  Just wanted to get that off my chest before we went any further.

So anyway, apart from a stealthy trading manoeuvre, what else have I been up to this month?  Well I have played no Star Trek tournaments (the one in London last week was cancelled) however I have played in 2 Lord of the Rings tournaments and had a jolly good drink up in Warwick.  Before I get to that though a quick poll of the results of from last weeks question as to what direction I should take RB.

Opinion seemed to be fairly split on this one.  Most popular seemed to be to eek out as much trek content as I can each month, closely followed by integrating it with a bit of LOTR.  There were 1 or 2 votes in favour of making RB completely off topic every month but on the whole I think people would like to see at least some relevant content.  I do have another idea however.  Although things are all quiet in London at the moment, there is a wide world of ST: CCG out there which so far remains quite unpolluted by the toxic waste of RB.  In the coming months I plan to try to take a few new angles rather than the rambling chronological narrative I usually give.  I will start this month with a focus on some of the Web Sites dedicated to the game.

Before I do this however, just a quick look back at last months ‘Where Are They Now?’ article.  I received quite a few responses to this and the most credible of these I are contained below.
 

Marcus Certa

Last seen last year threatening to visit England!  If you happen to be reading this Marcus, you would be welcome in England with open arms.  You have a small fan club over here.
 

Carol Wisely

No news although a brief argument did occur as to whether she was English or Welsh.  She is English.  Know that!
 

Alidar Jarok

A cryptic response from a Kedanya user who signs himself off zzzzzz (actually my spell checker doesn’t like that word so he will hereon after be referred to as sleepy) suggested that he may have been caught revealing confidential information.
 

DecipherCon 2001

No new theories on this although plenty of the old ones rehashed.  Apparently you Americans really are still scared of flying.  Fine by me as we get cheap flights to the US at the moment.  Now who is holding tournaments this summer?
 

Bill Chien

It is true that he lost all his cards in a flood.  Apparently loads of players sent him cards to get him back in the game but by the end of the year he had stopped playing again.
 

Benamin Janes

Another cryptic clue by Sleepy may have suggested that he was kicked off the Ambassadors program although he wouldn’t say whether it was Ben or not.  I think he was, he was a crap ambassador even though he did have the best business cards.
 

Bajorans

According to Patty (better known as The Geezer Kes) they are alive and living in Edmonton, Canada.
 

James Hargreaves

No News.  This is possibly a good thing.
 

Stephanie Schultz

Apparently she married Ray Coleman (another Worlds 97 finalist) and they left the game although they are looking to come back.  If you are reading this Steph, word up!
 

Wesley Crusher

Working as a stripper at Kedanya station.  Visit the ‘Adults Only’ chat room at 23:00 EST every Friday night.
 

No news on any of the other half a dozen cries for help although if anyone digs up any info I’ll be more than happy to print it.  It’s never to late to dig up old articles.

2 more bits of reader mail before I move on, the first is from Danny Lindquist who correctly states that ‘Reflection Therapy’ and ‘I’m a Doctor, not a Bricklayer’ both contain all the letters of Yortle.  The second made me laugh out loud the first time I read it.  The loud and proud New Jersey crew are back with a vengeance this month with their usual dose of paranoia and diabolical grammar.  I received the following from Ed Macintyre.

I'm upset to see that I didn't make the big XX edition, oh well maybe next time. But, I have a conspiracy theory of my own. Let's call it the DT Thoery. First after FreedomCon, where I beat Ian Vincent, the next current ruling after kills the deck that beat him. Second, the ratings never get updated from FreedomCon, this of course would propel my ratings to Living Legend status a 4-0 +400 showing by the way. Why I ask? Did he cry about losing? Maybe because DT is decipher's boy? Maybe they want him to get to 2000 for real this time? You tell me. Maybe I blew it in the finals, but I did what I said, "Make like George Washington and boot you right the fuck out of Virginia". I beat your best now I want what I deserve.
 

I absolutely love this email.  I love the very idea that Decipher could actually like DT.  Every bit of evidence points to the fact that Decipher hate DT!  There is of course the well documented case of him not being allowed to playtest even though he was probably the best deck builder in the world.  He was also not considered for playtesting of LOTR and a number of employees have admitted in private that they don’t like him.  But still, good conspiracy theory Ed, albeit slightly more unlikely than the rumour that Osama Bin Laden occasionally turns up to tournaments in Manchester with a Hirogen Battle deck.

So anyway, I promised you a look at some of the Web Sites devoted to ST: CCG.  Obviously I can’t hope to cover all of them but here are a few I have stumbled across in the last few weeks.  I will cover more as I find them.  I won’t send the Editor on an ego trip by singing the praises of wnohgb.com because you all obviously know about that site or you wouldn’t be here.  Needless to say though it’s well worth reading a lot of the articles on here as some of them are really good.
 

1. Kedanya Station (www.kedanya.org)

This is really the grand daddy of them all and for that alone deserves respect.  The brainchild of Helge ‘Wesley Crusher’ Blohmer in 1996 (if I remember rightly), this site has become a complete subculture in itself.  Created rooms for playing ST: CCG online long before Decipher ever cottoned on to the idea and has a strong online playing group still.  One thing that stands out on this site is the immensely confusing ranking system.  All members of the site apparently have a rank.  There are loads of ranks including petty officer, civilian and officer ranks.  You have to take exams to go up ranks with questions on Kedanya and Star Trek CCG.  I tried to take an exam and was told I didn’t even have a rank.  Man, this is complicated!  On the plus side, the site has 14 (yes fourteen) BBS’s and all kinds of chat rooms trade rooms and other fun stuff.  I used to take the piss out of the Kedanya lot but it really does seem they are onto a good thing.
 

2. The Church of Brad (www.churchofbrad.com)

A very scary site!  A satirical site dedicated to Colorado player Brad DeFruiter.  The ‘congregation’ (possibly member list) seems to be a bit of a who’s who in Star Trek CCG.  Not the prettiest looking sites but maintains a kind of amateur ambiance that enhances the joke aspect of the site.  Has some wonderful features including the ‘Interactive Virtual Brad’, which works a bit like a Mystic 8-ball.  I spent 5 minutes trying to get the Virtual Brad to admit that he was secretly sleeping with Kathy McKracken but was rebuffed a number of times.  Maybe it has a built in plausibility checker.  Another feature is where you can ask questions of the real Brad and be answered by him or one of the ‘inner circle’ of his congregation.  I sent the question

‘While your godliness remains without question, could you explain to the congregation how such a perfect deity managed to fill out his deck list wrong at DecipherCon 2000?’

Within a couple of days, I had received the following replies.
 

‘The greatest perfection is found in the little imperfections that Brad demonstrates so well, every day, without fail.  One of the greatest lessons he has to teach us is how much like him we can all aspire to be.’ – Patty

‘Tricky stuff. An omniscient (all knowing) God can still have a crapful memory, which would explain things like The Plague, Ebola and Germans. If you are (or were, at any stage) a sporting person, you will have been on the receiving end of a coach. A coach will only very occassionally tell you something that you didnt know beforehand, they just keep telling you stuff you know already, at a progressively louder pitch. Similarly, Brad knew his position, he just forgot it.  No surprise really; who coaches the coaches? (Or watches the watchmen, etc)  Coaches differ from business consultants only in that a consultant will ask you what you know, repeat it back to you, and charge you several times what you earn for the information.  When the Pope (the Polish one, not the English ones or the Egyptian one) says something in his position as Pope (ie, his professional position rather than his personal belief) he is, according to the church of Rome, infallible. They have this cool little term for it called ex cathedra. Until such time as Brad is recognised as the patron deity of collectible card games, these little foibles only add to the mystique that is the shiney domed one, in whose folically challenged footsteps both his pope and satan follow. When that inevitable day does dawn, and Brad is recognised globallyand beyond as the personal deity of card carrying geeks everywhere, then you will see the magnificence that is Brad ex-cathedra (without catheta.) as is written in the prophesies.  When it will all be very cool.  And there will be much rejoicing.  Aman’ – Chris

‘Who said I was a "perfect deity?’ – Brad
 

This website is definitely cool.  Everyone should visit there at least once in their lives.
 

3. Deckteck (www.deckteck.net)

I have taken the piss out of this website on more than one occasion and have probably never given it a fair hearing so I thought I would have a good look round in the name of Science.  Another one of those sites with membership although it claims to have around 10,000 members which seems a bit ambitious to me.  This is the home of the 2002 pro tour, which a lot of people are talking about at the moment and well done to them for attempting such a grand scale project.  I do have one problem with his site, which is that Navigation is hardly intuitive.  I spent 5 minutes staring at the front page wondering where I was supposed to go next.  There are several features that are difficult to find or seem to be in the wrong place, which is a shame because there is a lot of good stuff on this site.
 

Also before I finish this section, I can’t miss the opportunity for a shameless plug.  My own website Pie HQ (www.PieHQ.com) is just getting off the ground.  At the moment there is not a lot there although feel free to look around anyway.  This is never going to be another Kedanya or Deckteck although hopefully it should be quite a laugh.  Currently in the process of being put up are all the back issues of Ruling Britannia.

So anyway, before we go to Song of the Month, just a quick update on my progress at Lord of the Rings.  Well as you know, I pretty much suck at this game.  This was confirmed a few weeks ago when I managed to finish 11th in a tournament while trying to play an Aragorn goes alone deck.  I managed to restore a bit of face though by coming second in a tournament up in Warwick playing a Sauron attrition deck.  Maybe one day I’ll actually be good at the game but that day isn’t coming any time soon.

Anyway, that’s it.  We’ll keep it short and sweet this month and finish on this fantastic Song of the Month by Ringo.  I must admit it’s a bit depressing for something written by an ambassador but you have to admit it’s very good.  Again, it relies upon you pronouncing DQSS as ‘Dickwiss’
 

Name:   Bloddy DQSS
Based on:  ‘Baggy Trousers’ by Madness
Revised Lyrics By: Ringo Greenwich

Nasty Klinks and dodgy Borg
We played them till we were bored
Having fun while building a deck
Playing a game 'bout Star Trek.

Then along came Voyager
What a dumb manoeuvre
Games lasted just one turn
Opponent's face: that - was - stern.

Oh what fun we had
Till DQSS came and screwed it up
What I learnt to play
Just isn't the same today.

Oh what fun we had
Though Cardies were really sad
There seems to be no ways
Of playing good fun decks these days.

TD's have had enough today
The players have gone away
Gone to play Lord of the Rings
Smoking joints and drinking gin.

DQSS made me go insane
No more ideas in my brain
Want to play a good fun game
But all my plans are - so - lame

Oh what fun we had
Till DQSS came and screwed it up
What I learnt to play
Just isn't the same today.

Oh what fun we had
Way back when the games were mad
There seems to be no ways
Of playing good fun decks these days.

Lots of Q's and lots of cheese
Pie's deck played at Malcor III
Playing decks until we won
Drinking beer till we were done

Bloody DQSS, dodgy card
Rather eat a load of lard
TD comes to break it up
But we hate DQSS with a grudge

Oh what fun we had
Till DQSS came and screwed it up
What I learnt to play
Just isn't the same today.

Oh what fun we had
Way back when I was a lad
There seems to be no ways
Of playing good fun decks these days.

Bloody DQSS
Bloody DQSS
Bloody DQSS
Bloody DQSS
Bloody DQSS
Bloody DQSS …
 

Hope you enjoyed that and everything else, more from me next month.  Pie out.

Ian Taylor

Visit Pie HQ at http://www.piehq.com