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Tom's Tourney [LotR]
August sometime...
by Earl "Sparky" Prusak
The content of the following article is true. But due to the loss of the film this tournament will be a re-enactment done by trained Series 7 operatives based on actual eye-witness testimony. This re-enactment contains Coarse Language, Scenes of Violence and Adult Situations. Viewer discretion is advised.
One summer afternoon 7 of the best Lord of the Rings players were torn from their beds, each given a starter and a few boosters and brought to the last place I would have thought they would have ran a card tournament, The Gamer's Lair. We were thrown in and were given instructions; we had to last one night of the hardest of hardcore LOR playing.
This was Series 7
We are Contenders.
The first thing that hits us as we enter is the rank burrito smell coming from the Magic/Yu-Gi-Oh section. Olav doubles over and starts coughing, he doesn't look so good. Unfortunately Olav's coughing attracts the attention of the Yu-Gi-Oh players. One of the screams "Outsiders!" The hoard of fourth graders and a few scary 40 year olds start sharpening their sleeves and begin slowly approaching us. I thought we were done for sure. All of a sudden Olav hits the ground and begins to seizure. All of the Yu-Gi-Oh players stop and start pointing at Olav, they think he is schizophrenic like their hero! They start chanting 'One of Us!' and leave us. Close one. We drag Olav as far from the burrito smell as we can and kick him until he regains consciousness.
With this lull in the tournament we took the chance to look at the starters we were given. A gasp rolled through us. Ents of Fangorn. Ken drops to his knees and screams "You Bastards!!!" He then curls up on the floor in the fetal position and starts crying. I take a look at the starter in Ken's hand and sure enough there was a Faramir starter there. I quickly glance at my starter and sure enough it was Witchking starter. Heh, poor Ken, that stupid bastard, always getting shafted.
We built our decks and began the matches.
Round 1
Me vs. Ken
My first opponent is Ken. He wasn't in any kind of shape to play so we just kind of propped him in his chair and watched him drool. I won the bid (Ken bid nothing) and went first, so I play a bunch of guys and double move to site three. Ken doesn't play anything against me; I lucked out there. I ask him if he's playing anything and take his silence as a "no", so I play some orcs and smash into him. I ask him if he wants to stop but the silly bastard just looks at me with those glassy eyes, so I move him again and throw down a Nazgul. That stops him. On my turn I luck out and Ken plays nothing, so I double to five with no trouble, unlike Ken who on his turn gets smacked by the Witchking. I ask if he wants to move again, he catches a glimpse of his Faramir and starts screaming "Nooooooo!!!!!" Damn. I single to six and still no opposition from Ken, his deck must not be cycling well. Ken singles again to five. Damn, why doesn't this guy just cut loose? I move to
Site 7, no resistance, so I play Safe Paths and move again; still nothing, so I move again to nine and Ken drops Southron Archer Legion, Balrog, Witchking, Toldea, Uruk Advanced Troop, Uruk Vanguard, Army of Hadardum, Gate Troll, Southron Commander, 3 War Mumaks and an Orc Insurgent, and we were at a battleground. I laughed at Ken and said he would have to do a lot better than that if he wanted to beat me. As you can see I easily dealt with those pussies.
Full Win (+3)
Well that was exciting. As I survey the chaos in the room, I come to an understanding that the only way I'll get out of here sane is if I give no mercy and brutally crush everything in my path. Ah, the American way, is there anything it can't do?
Round 2
Me vs. Tom
Nazgul vs. Nazgul. Is there anything sexier (other than yours truly)? So I go first and move. Tom drops a Witchking: Lord of the Nazgul with a fell beast on it. Lucky bastard. So I take 5 wounds and stop. I put up little resistance and Tom doubles to 3. I play some guys and Tom drops Deathless Lord on me. Crap. I stop. Tom singles to 4, no trouble. I play some more guys and Tom drops a Lord of Agar on me along with Toledo. Double crap! I can't move on a 16 strength Witchking! Tom moves to 5 and all I can do is drop a couple of crappy orcs. Damn this deck sucks. Tom moves again to 6. Now I drop a troll, which does nothing. I get to move to five and he drops a Lord of the Nazgul on me, but this time I'm ready. I use a combination of Ancient Roads, Gondorian Rangers and War and Valour to smash that Nazgul into oblivion. With the path clear, I move up to six and guess who's waiting for me? Gate Troll. Sigh. Tom moves to seven so I play nothing, Tom cackles that I'll never catch him and he doubles to site eight. With 67 twilight at my disposal Tom learns his mistake. I drop 4 Archer Legions with Mumaks, along with a few Desert Stalkers with War Mumaks. So I exerted everyone twice and then dealt 24 archery to them. Happy days are here again...
Round 3
Me vs. Thomas
I got 16 minions out on him on site nine and smashed him silly. He laughed and said that was the best game he's played in months and called me a worthy opponent. That fucking punk. I reached across the table and grabbed by the shirt and threw him across the room. Thomas got up and said, "Nice throw, you must work out." This guy just doesn't know when to shut up. I leap across the room and proceed to pummel him. James asks me why did I hurt Thomas? I replied "I felt like destroying something beautiful." "So why did you hurt Thomas?" asked James. I backhanded James for insolence. Thomas regained consciousness. "Earl," he said, "that wasn't very nice. I'm going to have to punish James now." "What?" said James. Then all the windows exploded and a whole clan of ninjas started pouring in. This I would not stand for. Using Tom's little brother Alex as a club I collided with the ninjas and fought them with a savagery only matched by their numbers. After the smoke cleared and three ninjas were dead on the ground, I threw my club in the garbage dumpster and turn to James. "Wow!" said James, "I didn't know you cared so much about me." I backhanded James and told no one hurts him but me.
// Editor note: "a savagery only mateched by their numbers"? Give me a break!
Round 4
Sparky vs. the Sealed King
Olav, having recovered from his earlier ordeal, faces off against me this round. While I am full of beans this round, I remember that I haven't been able to win in a sealed match against Olav. This was going to be my round. I go first and prepare to race him to site nine. Double moving every turn and dropping my shadow hand to slow Olav down, I was at site 8 while Olav was at site four. With almost all my deck gone Olav plays News from the Mark; that's fine because it brings him up short, and I drop a bunch of orcs, the King and a troll. HAHAHAHA! Your ass is finally mine Olav! He kills the orcs and wounds the king and the troll using the last of his hand. Victory! Olav then showed me the last card in his hand. Safe Paths. He proceeds to kill the King and Troll and quintuple moves to site 9. That bastard. I was about to kill him for his insolence when Olav screamed womanishly, "Sparky, Look out!" and pushed me out of the way of the ninja with a flamethrower. Sneaky Thomas. Olav helped me up and I decided to spare him, wishing he would have acted sooner and saved my eyebrows as well.
So with Olav right beside Alex, I claimed my prizes as number one Contender. I left the store feeling 6 ft 3 inches tall and I thought that wasn't bad. I might have to sign up for series 8.
Peace Yawl.
Earl S. Prusak
Team Five Iron
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