// Editor's note: the staff of WNOHGB hopes this article will not incite a ST/SW flame war; we print it solely because of the funny story at the end.  That and we want Olav to write more strategy articles.

People are always walking up to me and asking me "So, are you excited about the new Star Wars movie?" I generally reply by kicking them in the nuts.

People are excited about the "Attack of the Clones." One can almost see the metaphorical cumspot on the crotch of geekdom's collective-unconsciousness-princess-leia-pajamas. They line up in advance, months in advance, they are already paying stupid prices on Ebay for paraphernalia related tot he movie. (As an aside, I am selling a 35mm print of the theatrical trailer for Lord of the Rings if anyone wants it.) People are already willing to pay the increased ticket price for Star Wars 2, a ticket price that according to the major cineplex in my town will be 16$ per person.

The movie will suck. Of this I have no doubt. George Lucas is a has been, who really wasn't to begin with. Should we examine his film career? His Dwarf fetish? How about his thinly concealed contempt for "ethnic races"?

George Lucas has made a total of 2 good movies in his life (Specifically "A New Hope" and "Raiders of The Lost Ark.) Compared to the vast amounts of shit he has dumped into your head (Specifically Return of the Jedi, Howard the Duck, the Phantom Anus, the Radioland Murders, the Ewok Adventure, the Ewok Adventure 2...) I don't think his career is redeemable.

Now a lot of people attack me here and try to defend "Return of the Jedi." Without going on too much of a rant, "Return" is one of the worst movies ever made; the pacing is terrible, the characters are inconsistent, the plot is threadbare, the locations are recycled, and the resolution is unsatisfying. Han Solo loses any trace of the personality he displayed in A New Hope, the villains suddenly are Americans (in the first two all the villains have British accent) and Carie Fisher is so hooped on Cocaine that she can hardly speak.

What's this? You don't think I have a right to bitch about Star Wars? I have more right than anyone to complain about Star Wars than anyone.

I attended the opening night of the Phantom Anus. I was there six hours in advance, and I know that this doesn't make me unique-- lots of people were there early. What does make my experience singular is the fact that I was dressed as Spock.

I have never dressed as a Vulcan at any time before or since-- I'm not a pathetic wiener. But out of a sense of irony, I dressed as Spock, got a professional to do my makeup.

I stood in line for the film, six hours in advance. Ahead of me in the line was a 7 foot tall Australian fellow.

He turned and stared at me. he stared a long time. Many attendees were laughing at my costume, making wise, and I didn't mind-- I thought it was funny (still do for that matter).

The Australian spoke up. "You relize dis is a Star Wars Movie, no' a Star Trek Movie, eh?" He said in a thick New South Wales accent (or would that be New South Welsh  accent?)

I looked at him deadpan, raised an eyebrow and replied.

"Fascinating, If Vulcans had emotions, I would be extremely embarrassed right now."

That's when he moved in with the right hook. I went down.

I want to point out that I normally do better in a brawl, but my arms were behind my back, and he caught me entirely off guard. I wasn't expecting to be hit. Lying there with three broken ribs, I tried to say, "Help me up so I can do the Vulcan Death Grip on you!" but all I could do was wheeze.

He kicked me. Hard. I think I lost consciousness.

When I was helped up by one of the popcorn monkeys, I staggered to the film, desperately hoping that the whole experience wasn't in vain. Of course, it was.

This year I intend not to go to "Attack of the Clones"-- I intend to stand near the line up for the film, holding a copy of the novelization, and reading important passages from the book so as to give away all the surprises that the movie may or may not have in stock.

I hate Star Wars.