I was kind of annoyed at how little Éomer got to do in the movie. I always liked him. Day 12 is a response to my frustration at the notable lack of Huorns at Helm's Deep in the theatrical cut.



V Secret Diary of Éomer, Third Marshal of the Mark

Day 1

Big battle today. Rode out with Théodred. Got lost twice. Wonder if Théodred will ever figure out was on purpose? Scared of battles. Even more scared of Éowyn - would kill me if let Theodred die.

Day 2

I knew this would happen. Brought Théodred back to Edoras badly wounded. Thankfully, Éowyn too distressed at cousin's wound to kill me. Threw hat at King to make self feel better. Got yelled at by Gríma Wormtongue, but got better of him when yelled back. Bloody idiot decided to banish me. Never could understand why Théodred liked him. Am not jealous. Am *not* jealous. Oh, whatever. Am jealous.
At least I have eyebrows.

Day 3

Rode north with bunch of poncy twits. Wonder why they're following me instead of staying with Théodred?

Day 6

Came across gigantic band of Uruk-hai and Orcs and goblins. Thought maybe could get killed and make Théodred miss me, so ordered attack.

Somehow managed to kill all of them. Weird. Am now likely in even bigger trouble than before, since idiot Wormtongue likes Orcs.

Day 7

Ohcrap. Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

Crap. May have brutally slaughtered two innocent people thinking they were Orcs. Either that, or that gay Elf is jealous of how pretty I am and trying to pull my chain. Tried to hit on Dwarf, but got arrow in face. Yep, definitely jealous.
Wonder what was thinking with Dwarf though. Man had a fantastic stubble collection. If ever see them again, must hit on him. Probably won't see them again though, thanks to stupid Wormtongue.

Day 10

Blinded by a shining white light. Thought had died until recognized Mithrandir. Told me Gríma had been driven out and Théoden needed my help. Misheard as Théodred and decided to ride back south.
Right after committing to go, found out Théodred was dead. Killed by Wormtongue. Will make Wormfood if ever see him again. First he bothers my sister, then he kills my favorite cousin.

Day 12

Felt self turning into a tree. Wondered why sprouting leaves until met up with big walking trees. Reassured they would be at Helm's Deep too and turned back into self.

Day 15

Arrived at Helm's Deep. Saw Théoden and hot guy with stubble collection surrounded by Uruk-hai. Knew how to handle that. First sent suggestive note to Stubble Boy. Hope will reply soon.


Back to the main page