This is what happens when I open my mouth about plans for a day off classes. Told my mom I'd do Haldir's diary. So, here it is.


The Very Secret Diary of Haldir, Elf of the Golden Wood

Day 1
Patrolled the borders. V. boring as all Orcs in Misty Mountains now. Climbed tree. Thought I saw pony in tree. Think starting to hallucinate from boredom.

Day 4
Still patrolling. Orophin nearly shot me today. All because wondered when Rumil became sister. Looks enough like one. Can't really tell difference anymore with his new hairstyle.

Day 5
Saw pony in tree again. Convinced am hallucinating, as said "Moo".

Day 10
Ran into strange band of people today. Stupid nancing Legolas brought friends. Think was trying to impress little blue-eyed Hobbit with connections. Tried to save Hobbit by saying they couldn't come in. Misunderstood what I meant by "great evil." Thought was talking about some stupid ring. As if ring could ever be evil.

Day 11
Oh god, not more Arwen talk. Agreed to take Fellowship to Galadriel if Aragorn would shut up about Arwen. Why does Arwen get all the good ones, anyway? Insisting on throwing self away on stupid Man anyway. Why can't one hot girl like me?

Day 12
Climbed tree to spy on Frodo. Thought about kidnapping him, but Sam would kill me if I tried anything. Decided to kill Sam first.

Day 13
Since when can hallucinations kick you in head hard enough to knock you out?

Day 16
Fellowship left. Told Galadriel about my hallucination. Got expelled from Lothlórien until can sort out my pipeweed problem. Going to Rohan. Want to see worm with tongue.

Part 2 - I don't know why I did Haldir's second part before the Ring. I just did. I still don't like him.

Day 22
Stupid pony still following me. Wish could go home.

Day 25
Overtaken by army. Seems Galadriel wants Elves to fight battle with Rohirrim. Joined up - maybe Galadriel will let me come home if can survive battle with stupid Men?

Day 27
Pony proved useful. Helped us find Edoras. Too bad no one there but Dunlendings. Killed most and got directions from survivor.
If pony is useful, maybe Galadriel will let me go home?

Day 30
Arrived at Helm's Deep. Heard Legolas scream in fear about Orc-horn. How girly.
Rather embarrassed when Aragorn assumed I was leading army. Idiot never stopped to wonder why wasn't wearing helmet.
Pony v. disappointed. Wonder why.

Day 31
Battle starting tonight. Should be short - Sauron's minions don't like water. Is raining.
Do wish Legolas would shut up. Never was all that pretty anyway. Only way would ever be prettiest is if word were redefined to mean "gay".
Pony apparently still sulking. Haven't seen since yesterday.

Day 32
What is it with Aragorn holding people as they die? Didn't even get a kiss.
For some reason, feel compelled to say "Killed by Uruks. Stupid Uruks." Wonder why.


Back to the main page.