Once I'd gotten the bug, I went on to write Lurtz, who I thought was really cool. It was funnier the way I'd originally written it, but unfortunately it wasn't Boromir who killed Lurtz.


V. Secret Diary of Lurtz, Lead Uruk-hai

Day 1.
Born in slime pits watched by stupid Orc. Killed Orc. Oops, Orc was my father. Oh well. Noticed long-haired man all in white. Offered to clean mud off robes.

Day 2.
Stupid robes. Why white, anyway? Such an impractical color for working in slime pits. Muddy blue much better.

Day 5.
Called into tower. Robes sparkling clean, so can’t be for laundry. Told to lead army into battle for gold ring. Pointed out that ring wouldn’t match palantir. Hit by staff until Saruman remembered that I don’t know what pain is.

Day 6.
Stupid face paint. On plus side, “accidentally” painted Saruman’s robe, so battle was delayed while did laundry. Snuck look in palantir. Big man with unwashed hair obviously into blue-eyed hobbit. Big hobbit will kill him if he tries anything. Make battle much easier. Go big hobbit!

Day 9.
Finally started marching, only to be called back. Idiot wizard forgot to give order not to kill Halflings. What’s a Halfling?

Day 10.
Marched all day. May not know pain or fear, but Uruk-hai do know boredom. Must think of fun marching songs for tomorrow.

Day 14.
Still marching. Think took a wrong turn somewhere… not supposed to be mountains at Amon Hen. Uruk-hai starting to grumble… seems marching songs getting boring. Maybe tomorrow will start teaching them elf-song.

Day 16.
Finally found Amon Hen. Fellowship not here yet. Organized game of hide and seek to keep Uruk-hai busy. They keep looking for each other in my pants. Wonder why?

Day 20.
Fellowship finally arrived. Halflings cute. Glad don’t have to kill them. Will give them an hour or two so I can find remaining Uruk-hai. Hide and seek worked a little too well.
later.
Finally rounded up last Uruk-hai, only to find new game waiting. Hide and seek with the enemy! Capture Halflings, kill rest. Especially the nancing Elf. Rounded up two Halflings with a man. Took three shots to get him to stay down… must be from Gondor.
even later
Killed by Aragorn. Stupid Aragorn. On plus side, he’s still not king.


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